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Title: Guy Talk
Author name: Icarus
Author email: icarus_ancalion@yahoo.com
Category: Humor
Sub Category: Slash
Keywords: Ron Harry Gryffindors Seamus Neville
Rating: R
Summary: The Gryffindor dorm is abuzz with laughter and gossip after curfew as the boys cover for their friends' hot date. The talk turns to sex, and Harry gives away a little too much information.
"Oh. I've been around," Harry said evasively. Everyone turned towards him. If he was going out with anyone it was news to them. But it would be just like Harry to keep it a secret.
DISCLAIMER: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

Copyright 2004 by Icarus Ancalion. All rights reserved. This story may not be reproduced in whole or part without the author's explicit permission. Ask, guys. I'm easy to reach and usually quite generous.
Author notes: Thank you to Flavored_Sugar for the Beta review. here. Dedicated Axel (A. L. de Sauveterre) who asked the question that led to this story.


It was officially after curfew in the Gryffindor bedroom. Officially, the lights were out, officially everyone was in the room, and officially, everyone was asleep. Professor McGonagall knocked and then poked her head in, and saw five sleeping boys tucked into their beds, as they should be.

Neville Longbottom's teddy bear poked out from under one arm. Ronald Weasley was sprawled over his pillow, eyes shut and blankets kicked off as usual. Harry Potter was curled into a comfortable dark-haired ball, seeming too small for the giant four-poster bed. Seamus Finnigan had pulled the covers over his head and was sleeping soundly. Dean Thomas was still awake, and he smiled at her from across the room. He was always a night owl. All was well, and she nodded to Dean and shut the door, softly.

The room went dark, and the sound of footsteps disappeared down the stairs.

As the heavy wooden door at the bottom of the stairs closed with an audible click, Ron's eyes popped open.

"Lumos! Wow. That was close," he breathed. Harry sat up in bed and blinked. He pulled his glasses from under the pillow and put them on.

Neville dropped his teddy bear. "When is Seamus going to get back?"

Harry peered at his watch and raised his eyebrows. "He's very late."

They all laughed.

"Oh, Seamus, you shame us..." Dean quipped. "You bad, bad boy."

"Bastard! I wonder how far he gets this time."

"Roll a-round the Astronomy To-wer... Get-ting nak-ed in the show-er... the blouse is off -- not far to go... It's time to see if she will blow! " Ron chanted his brothers' rhyme of lechery.

"You're bad, Ron," Harry laughed.

"What do you think they're doing?" asked Neville. He squirmed to the end of his bed and propped himself (and his teddy) on a pillow to get closer to the group. His bed was in the farthest corner, and he tended to be left out.

"We know what they're doing!" Dean laughed. Neville ducked a pillow Ron threw at him.

Ron explained. "You see, Neville, there's thing called a dick -- you'll grow one soon, and -- "

"No! I mean, what are they doing?" Neville's eyes were round. Harry wrinkled his nose at Ron.

"Sh! Please? I really don't want to picture it right now," Dean Thomas pleaded. "I swear I'm already as hard as a rock." All the boys laughed.

"Padma... Dean is ready for you...." Ron called out to the ceiling in a sing-song voice, and stretched. "See, Neville, when you have one you will learn what a hungry bastard it is."

"Ron, leave Neville alone," Harry said.

"Neville, you know I'm just kidding, right?" Ron asked. Neville nodded anxiously. "See, Harry?" Ron sat up and wrapped his arms around his legs. "Hey, Dean, how far did you get with Padma before she dumped you?"

"Not far enough. Not nearly far enough," Dean moaned.

Neville asked, "How far was that?"

"Yeah, Dean. We're your friends, you can tell us. We're trustworthy... loyal... " said Ron. " and we'll cover for you if you're out after curfew!"

"You were gone a long time after the Halloween feast, Dean," Harry pointed out, sitting up with sudden interest.

"Did she blow you?"

"Ron!" Harry said in a voice reminiscent of Hermione as he burst out laughing, as Dean threw something at Ron. It looked like a wadded up piece of parchment, but it was hard to tell just by the light of four wands.

"What is it with you and blowjobs?" asked Dean.

Ron chortled. "Oh, if you have to ask, then that's a 'no.' So, what did you do?"

"I take it Hermione did go down."

"Uh. Yeah," Ron said, hesitantly.

Harry gave Ron a sharp warning look.

Neville ignored that. They'd already discussed Hermione to death and Ron was full of contradictions. "So, Dean -- did you go up Padma's shirt?"

Ron moaned. "Oh, there's some territory that needs some exploring..."

"Yeah. I did." Dean smiled shyly. "More than that. I got her shirt off."

"Really?" -- "Where were you?" -- "How'd you do that without getting caught?"

"No-no-no, I'm not telling, no way! The last time I told someone of a hidey-hole I found, next time I went there, they were in it. But we had a good bit of privacy." Dean smirked.

"What about then? Did you -- ?" Ron began eagerly.

"No, she did not give me a blowjob, Ron."

"That wasn't what I was going to ask! Well. Not all of it anyway," Ron admitted. "Hands...?"

"Down the pants? You bet. And it was sweet. But her hands were coooooold." He held up a hand for silence at the stir this caused. "At first, at first. They warmed up...."

"Did she bring you off?" Ron interrupted.

"No!" said Dean.

There was a loud disappointed chorus.

"Ron, will you shut up a minute?" Harry pleaded. "You mess up the story like that." He rearranged himself on the side of his bed towards Dean, his blanket wrapped around him like a cocoon. The only one who was hot in the Gryffindor bedroom was Ron, but that was always the case, unless he was sick.

"We got interrupted!" Dean explained. "The Hufflepuffs showed up!"

"I know where you were! You were under the Quidditch stands!" Ron said. "That's mad."

"I thought you said you had 'privacy,' " Harry complained.

"Hey, I don't see you getting anywhere with anyone, Harry."

"Oh. I've been around," Harry said evasively. Everyone turned towards him. If he was going out with anyone it was news to them. But it would be just like Harry to keep it a secret.

"You have?" Neville squeaked. "With who?"

Dean laughed. "Woo-hooo! 'The Secret Affairs of Harry Potter.' Tell us all."

"I don't kiss and tell," Harry said archly, wrapping his blanket closer. Only Ron could see his face turn a little pink.

"Did you ever get a blowjob?" Neville asked in awe.

"Yeah, Mr. Man-of-the-World. Tell us all about your 'great sex life,' " Dean teased.

"Well, actually, er... yeah. Once or twice," Harry said hesitantly, rubbing the back of his head.

"You're not sure?" Dean scoffed playfully. "A likely story."

"It's true!" Ron sat up. One of his pillows fell to the floor but he paid it no attention.

"How do you know?"

"He, well, he told me of course, you idiots. I'm his best friend you know," Ron said. "Isn't that right, Harry?"


"Bollocks. I don't believe it for a minute. Where?" Dean leaned over the edge of his bed, his eyes drilling into Harry's.

"Um. The Quidditch showers." Harry blushed again.

"You got a girl to go into the Quidditch showers?" Neville was astounded.

"It was after a game. Everyone had left," Harry explained. "It was, ah, pretty quiet."

"Who? Who would go in the Quidditch showers?" Dean was suddenly very interested.

"He can't tell you that!" Ron squawked.

"Shut up, Ron. It's Harry's sex life we're talking about here, not yours. He has a right to tell us everything. Don't you, Harry?" Dean winked.

"No, he doesn't!"

Dean shook his head and chuckled. "Ron, I'd think you'd be the first one to want to know all about a blowjob."

"I already do know about it."

"Come on, Harry. I told you all about Padma. If you can't tell us who, at least you can tell us what," Dean said reasonably. "As in: what happened." His grin flashed in the dark.

"Yeah, tell us what happened in the Quidditch showers, Harry." Neville's eyes looked bright and slightly glazed. "Get-ting na-ked in the show-ers..." Neville repeated a bit of Ron's rhyme. Ron blushed.

Harry looked from Neville to Dean. He looked slightly trapped. "Uh. Well, I was pressed up against the wall..."

"...she's aggressive. Hermione?" Dean suggested. Harry shook his head.

"Sh!" Neville urged, "stop interrupting."

"Anyway, I'd better back up a bit. Um. I was already naked in the shower and, uh, she said 'good game.' Behind me, I mean. I didn't know she was there," Harry began.

"Waitaminute. She went into the showers on her own?" Dean asked.

Ron added, "You're leaving something out here, Harry. What were you doing?"

Neville was wide-eyed.

"Uh. I was... wanking. And, uh, she caught me at it." Harry blushed. "And she said, 'whoops. Guess I caught you at a bad time.' But she didn't leave."

"So. She thought walking in on you in the shower would be a good time?" Dean laughed. "You're fantasizing. There's no way this is true."

"Sh!" Neville said. "So what happened?"

"I laughed and I said, 'I suppose so.' I was pretty embarrassed."

"Yeah, I'll bet. What happened next?"

"Then she, uh, kinda leered at me -- "

"That's not true!" Ron said.

"Is too!" Harry insisted. "I mean, she was kind of staring there, you know?"

"Oh, come off it, Harry...." Ron growled.

"Ron, I don't buy this story either, but sheesh, let him tell it!" Dean cut him off.

Ron folded his arms and kept quiet.

"Anyway, I at least thought she was staring there." Harry glared at Ron. "And she didn't leave. And we started talking..."

"You just stood there. Talking. Naked. In the shower. With a girl staring at you?" Dean said. "Was she dressed?"

"Uh. Yeah." Harry flushed. "We were talking about the game, and I could hardly hear her over the water. So I, uh, invited her into the shower with me."

"You did what?!" Dean exclaimed. Neville goggled.

"I don't know what put it in my head, but I did."

"And she got in??" Neville was astounded. Harry nodded. "She undressed right there? And got in?"

"Yeah," Harry said.

Ron said, "Maybe she was planning to have a shower anyway..."

The three of them gave Ron a funny look.

Ron flushed. "...it's a possibility."

Dean gave Ron a really weird look, shook his head and turned to Harry. "All right Mr. Unbelievable-With-The-Fantastic-Fantasy-Life. What did your 'dream girl' do next?"

"Well, nothing. We just took a shower." Harry shrugged.

"You're kidding! You have a naked girl in the shower next to you and you don't do a thing?!"

"I -- I didn't think of it."

Now Neville and Dean gave Harry some very strange looks.

"At first," Harry added lamely. "But then she asked to borrow the soap..."

Dean chuckled. "Well, there goes your 'planning to take a shower' theory, Ron. She didn't bring any soap."

"I didn't mean right then and there!"

Harry, Dean and Neville all rolled their eyes at Ron.

Neville urged Harry to continue. "So what happened next?"

"Well. Um. She brushed by me to get the soap... and then... uh... we started kissing."

"Right on," said Dean. "This is finally getting somewhere."

"And, ah, that's when he, uh, she pressed me up against the wall."

"Did she have a nice body?" Neville asked, starry-eyed.

"Yeah. Really nice," Harry said.

"What'd she look like?" Dean asked.

"Let's see. Nice chest. Ummm. Kind of tall... little bit skinny?" Harry said, with an apologetic shrug at Ron.

"Is she skinnier than you?" Ron asked irritably.

Harry ignored the jibe.

"So... you were kissing... in the shower... with both of you naked..." Neville sighed wistfully, staring at the ceiling.

"Yeah. And she ran her hands through my hair and said all these really nice things," Harry continued in a soft voice.

"We don't care about that," Dean said.

"Oh, I ­-- I dunno... it was special."

Dean looked at Harry quizzically, and said in a gentler voice. "Go on." It seemed he was starting to believe Harry.

"I, well, that's when she pressed me up against the shower wall, and we were both kissing and the wall was really cold. And she asked me 'Are you sure?' and I said 'Yeah. If you are....'"

"Sure? Sure of what?" Neville asked.

"Of what we were doing."

"I'd be pretty sure," Neville said. "Real sure."

"Yeah, I was," Harry continued. "We had all this water coming down all around us. I kept blinking it out of my eyes. I thought maybe if I shut my eyes too long it would all go away and just be a dream..."

"Oh. I didn't know that," Ron said, softly. "I thought you just had soap in your eyes. That's what you said anyhow."

"Yeah. I did. That was later," Harry explained. "Right then I was just worried that one false move -- and it would be all over."

"Know how that is," Dean sighed.

The guys spared him a sympathetic glance. Who would have thought Padma would be so sensitive about her nose? Any one of them could have easily made the same mistake. Girls were such minefields.

"Go on," Neville urged Harry again. His eyes were bright. "You were kissing in the shower...?"

"Who was kissing in the shower?" It was Seamus' voice. Everyone turned and greeted him.

"Welcome back, stranger!"

"Hey, Seamus...."

"Harry and some girl are kissing -- were kissing. Don't interrupt or we'll never get this story out of him," Neville said anxiously. "Pull up a pillow."

"Harry got a blowjob," Dean explained.

"No shit! Really?" Seamus said. "Talk." He flopped onto his bed and stuffed a pillow under his chin.

Harry blushed. He'd lost the thread of the story.

"Oh, it's easy to see what happened," Ron interrupted. "He did her, she did him. End of story. Now, Seamus, what have you been up to?" He grinned.

"No, no, no. Congrats to anyone who got the elusive Harry Potter to talk about his adventures. As if he ever tells us anything," Seamus said. "You'll have a full report after Harry finishes. Go on, Harry. Tell us."

"Yeah... so you were kissing in the shower..." Neville prodded.

"Who was this with anyhow?" Seamus asked.

Ron fumed. "He's not going to tell you!"

"You're interrupting the story," Neville said in frustration.

Seamus threw up his hands. "All right, all right. Keep your shirt on. Girl. Shower. Kissing. Fine. I have it so far."

"I'd rather hear where you've been..." Ron began.

"Ron!" Neville and Dean said at once.

"All right..."

Seamus snuggled into his pillow. "So, did she feel you up?" He waggled his eyebrows.

"Yeah." Harry smiled. "A lot. We started kissing really hard. She kinda ground me into the wall, actually..."

"Excitable," Dean commented.

"Uh-huh. Then, uh, she started wanking me..."

Dean's eyebrows rose. "Really? Just like that?"

"...yeah. It was nice. I mean, she started it by saying, 'You want me to take over where you left off?' and I laughed and said 'sure.' "

Neville goggled.

Seamus shook his head. "You guys believe this?"

"Sh," said Dean. "It's a great story. Go on, Harry." His eyes sparkled.

Harry was exasperated. "It was a sort of private joke, you know? She'd walked in on me wanking, you see," Harry said plaintively. Seamus rolled his eyes. "It was funny! At the time anyway... I dunno... I never thought you'd believe me," Harry ended.

"We believe you, Harry," Dean supplied helpfully. "Go on."

Harry licked his lips. Ron fell back on his bed with a heavy sigh and groaned.

"What's wrong with him?" Seamus asked the room.

Dean shrugged.

"Go on, Harry!" Neville said.

Harry swallowed. "Um, er... well, anyway, she was wanking me and -- well, I wasn't coming. I mean, it was just so unfamiliar, and I kept thinking that someone would walk in on us and about what they would say. So. Ah. I started, hmm, doing her you know? With my, er, hands?" Harry stumbled through the description hurriedly. "Anyhow, neither one of us were coming and -- "

"What do you mean neither one of you were coming?" Neville asked. "Do girls, um... do they come, too?"

"Yes!" -- "Of course!" Dean and Seamus said at once.

"Just without the come," Ron explained.


"Welcome to remedial Sex Ed 101, Neville," Ron said.

"Don't look at me. I had to have Snape for Sex Ed class! You can't ask him anything!"

The boys all shuddered and thought Neville had the worst luck.

"Really?" Harry asked. "I had Professor Lupin. He was really helpful. I could ask him all kinds of, uh... stuff," he finished rather lamely.

Ron squinted at him. "What sort of 'stuff'?" he asked suspiciously.

"Uh... I had some questions about the, uh, shower incident," Harry said, and winced.

"You didn't tell him about the showers, did you?!" Ron asked.

"Not everything, no!"

Seamus looked at Dean with a puzzled expression.

"Ron already knows this shower story." Dean shrugged. Seamus made a silent 'oh.' "Moving right along, Harry -- Ron, if you'll just shut up for ten minutes while Harry tells his story?"

Seamus held his wand up like a microphone, and said in a hushed voice. " 'In last week's exciting episode, Harry Potter was in the showers, getting his willie wanked -- and tragically not coming -- while he felt up his girlfriend...' Who is this, anyway, Harry?"

"I promised not to say."

Seamus threw up his hands.

"So, um, did she ever come then?" Neville asked.

"Yes. Eventually. When wanking didn't work, she, er, got on her knees -- "

"Dammit, Harry, you're getting this story wrong! You did her -- "

Neville, Seamus, Dean and Harry all said: "Ron! Shut up!"

"Whatever the order -- " Harry shot Ron a glare. " -- she got on her knees eventually, and she... well, she started licking me."

Neville gave Harry an uncomprehending encouraging nod.

Seamus laughed. "Licking?"

"Yeah. She didn't know how to do a blowjob right. Or maybe she was just embarrassed whateverthereason -- she started licking me." Harry grinned. "But it felt really good, okay? So it was fine." Harry sighed in exasperation. "Anyhow, I -- sort of, well, showed her how it was done. That's how I know she did me first." He glared at Ron.

Seamus looked puzzled. "Showed her? How?" Dean nodded, with an identical quizzical expression. Ron ran his hands over his face.

"It's complicated. Um. I sort of explained, okay?"

"I bet it was really embarrassing for her and I bet she would really hate you if you told, Harry," Ron said in a flat voice.

"It was great."

Neville asked, a little confused. "So. Did she bring you off?"

"Yeah." Harry grinned broadly. "Twice. Natural talent, once she got the hang of it. It was brilliant."

Ron asked, grinning evilly. "So did you do her?"

Harry swallowed. "Yes."

"How many times?"

"I, uh, got her to come... oh, god, I don't know. It was a lot."

"You went down, Harry. How many times?"

"Uh... two or three, I think."

"Four, Harry. Count them: four."

"She came, I guess, twice?"

"Three times."

"All right. I think it was three."

Seamus looked quizzically between Harry and Ron. "Who's telling this story anyway? You mean to say this all happened in the Quidditch showers?" he said, disbelieving.

"Part of it," Harry said sheepishly. "We got scared someone would come in, so, we, uh... took it somewhere else. To finish up."

The room was silent. Neville sighed, and snuggled his teddy bear. Dean said nothing. He looked suddenly thoughtful.

"I knew you wouldn't believe me..." Harry complained.

Seamus cleared his throat. "Well, uh, Harry -- if that is any sample of your fantasy life, I want you to go into the porn industry after you leave school."

Everyone laughed, and the awkward moment passed. Ron chuckled from the bed next to Harry's.

"Nox!" said Seamus. The others extinguished their lights as well. The room filled with the sounds of blankets rustling as five boys squirmed under sheets to make themselves comfortable.

Then Dean said:

"Good night, you two."


The room was dark. Heavy curtains hung like dark red shadows, highlighted warmly from the night-light that sat on Neville's little table, a small comical garden gnome with a cartoon face. Ron rustled out from under the covers, and got up. He padded to the bathroom. The light clicked on, leaving a stripe of white under the door blazing into the bedroom.

"Psst," Harry whispered into the dark. "Anyone awake?"

There wasn't a sound beyond Seamus' muffled snores, and the soft sigh from Neville's bed. Dean rolled over, muttered something, and went back to sleep. Satisfied, Harry snagged his glasses from the end table and scuffed into his slippers. He opened the bathroom door, without bothering to knock. He knew he didn't have to. Light blazed into the bedroom, and then the door shut behind him.

The tile of the Gryffindor bathroom was red and gold, and the worn fixtures were a much-abused brass. The main showers were downstairs, but there was a shower here, notorious for turning suddenly cold when the girls in the opposite tower turned on theirs. Ron sat on the edge of the toilet seat, his head in his hands. Harry winced and didn't say anything for a few moments. He dropped his hands across his friend's shoulders. Finally, Ron looked up at Harry, and just shook his head in speechless disbelief.

"I'm sorry, Ron," Harry rubbed Ron's shoulders. "It was a great story..." he shrugged.

"Harry..." Ron whimpered. "If you want to tell everyone -- warn me first!" He sighed. "What do you want? For me to wear a 'Ron loves Harry' button? Shall we invite each other to the next dance? Exchange armbands with each other's names on them?"


"Wizard custom. You know what I mean."

"It'd be nice."

"If you ask me to, I will." Ron looked at Harry seriously. "But you had best be clear just how much shit you want to take for it. Because once it's out, it's out. And -- there's no going back, Harry, even if you want to. Can't put this genie back in the bottle."

Harry was silent a long moment. He sighed, and sat on the edge of the tub, glumly.

"I just wanted to brag about you, Ron. Just the once. You get to talk about Hermione, but I don't get to talk about anyone. It makes me look... like an idiot."

"No actually, it makes you look queer. But you can always blame your fame: 'oh, woe is me, girls only want me for my scar!' " Ron said in a falsetto voice with a melodramatic gesture. Harry laughed. "Seriously. Whatever you want, Harry."

Harry stood, edged and maneuvered himself between Ron's knees. "You know what I want?"

"Huh. What?" Ron said, with the beginnings of a smile.

Harry leaned over and whispered. "I want you to not wear any underwear tomorrow. All day." Then he kissed Ron, softly devouring his mouth. They remained there, dreaming, exploring each other with a gentle moan that could have come from either Harry or Ron, neither of them was really sure. Harry needed this, and only this. If he could float in this heaven forever he would be happy.

As they parted with a breath, Ron passed his hand across his lips and shook himself, briefly, with a sigh. He smiled at Harry, and his eyebrows flicked up.

"Pretty kinky, Harry. Sure."

"You'll do that for me?" Harry laughed in surprise. "You're crazy, Ron."

"Tell me something I don't know. And will you do something for me?" Ron moved Harry's hand to his lap. He was as hard as a rock, and huge. "Do something about this?

"That was one hell of a story."



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